Speaker 1: 0:38

I once went on a date with a guy. I was kind of my heaviest weight and he earnestly stared at me just before we'd been making out and he looks at me and he said I just want you to know I don't care about your weight. And I know he meant the best by saying that, but all I could think was, oh my goodness, he thinks I'm huge and he's loving me in spite of the fact. So be really mindful about the wording. And if you're going I don't know how to talk about weight, then just don't talk about weight. Rather, just leave it and don't say those words. Okay, so I love you exactly as you are is actually probably a bit of a simpler way to say that and not get in tricky water You're enough just as you are. And if she's saying I absolutely need to lose weight, you might want to say you don't need to lose weight to be beautiful. You already are.

Speaker 1: 1:30

In today's episode we are tackling a challenging yet, I think, really important conversation how to help your partner love their body even when they don't. Talking about body insecurity, body image in relationships and how it can often get in the way of intimacy and feeling comfortable and I'm going to be sharing my personal story about honestly how my husband really helped me learn to like my body a whole lot more. And this matters because research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that partners who actively support each other's body positivity and self-esteem actually have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy. So, including these supportive behaviors which we're going to talk about. So, whether it's affirmations or avoiding criticizing what the other person looks like and helping to encourage healthy habits over how they look, all these things combined can really help your partner feel better in their body. So perhaps you're listening to this episode and it's just useful for you. You're the one who has poor body image, who'd like to improve it, or you've forwarded on this little podcast episode to your partner so they can have a listen to. I think that is handy and I think it's all worthwhile. Let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 2:46

If you're new to the podcast, my name is Lindy Cohen. Hi, welcome. I'm a dietitian nutritionist and my body image is something I've worked on my entire life and no Wellness Wankery. This podcast is dedicated to helping you feel better in your body, breaking down the research around the oh, the wellness wankery and, my goodness, there sure is a lot, so that you know what is actually healthy for you and avoid the things that are going to compromise your health. So now my story.

Speaker 1: 3:14

So I met my husband. I was early twenties and this was at my heaviest weight. I really was. I was just. I just kind of realized that I have an eating disorder. I really need to prioritize getting recovery under my belt.

Speaker 1: 3:29

It was I was going through the phase of refeeding myself, of going okay, all foods are allowed, I'm allowed to eat chocolate, and so you know, one of the things I would do is I'd have to go to a cafe every morning and have banana bread, because it had become a binge food for me that I ate in secret. So I just go to a cafe and that way I would help to build my sense that all foods were allowed. So I was doing little experiments like this to try and build my relationship with food. But it also meant that I was at my heaviest weight, and what was incredible about meeting him is not only that it just all clicked, but I think I felt like he was the first person who had loved me, irrespective of what I weighed, and I certainly had this feeling of I know I want to have kids one day. I know I'm going to get pregnant. I feel like I'm really insecure that the person who I end up with, I need them to love me, no matter what size I am or how I look or if I'm got milk coming out of all random places and I'm just sweaty and gross, and I need them to still go. This person is worthy of love, and so I felt that from him that my body was unconditionally worthy and, in a way, his acceptance and reassurance played a very, very important role in me helping to see my own worth beyond my weight.

Speaker 1: 4:48

I know we often talk in dating terms that you need to learn to love yourself before someone else can love you, and I do agree I don't think it's mutually exclusive to the idea that having people around you who can become your cheerleaders, who can help to drown out some of the toxic noise you've grown up with or been taught your entire life, I think it can be a really helpful thing to do, and when your partner is that person who becomes your go-to, they're witnessing your life. They have such a chance to help champion a better body image for you, and why should we care? Well, people who have better body image, firstly, they like themselves more, they have more confidence, they have a better quality of life, more joy. In fact, I think we have this idea that I can hate myself into looking after myself. I'll tell myself oh my gosh, you're so pathetic and got such bad willpower. You need to try harder. You're so ugly, you need to really fix yourself. Somehow we've convinced ourselves that that negative talk is going to somehow motivate us to really look after ourselves. But in fact I find the opposite to be true.

Speaker 1: 5:49

Think about it like this. Let's say you've got a really nice car. Do you treat it like trash or are you taking extra care of this lovely car, this car that you absolutely adore? I think you're washing it, you're keeping it clean, you're complimenting it. When someone else compliments you, you're going. Oh you know what? It is a great car, not going to lie, I love, I'm smug about this car. Compare this to an old, beat up, crappy hand-me-down that you're going. You know it just does the job, but I don't really like it. It annoys me. I think with a car like that, you're going to take worse care of it.

Speaker 1: 6:20

So the same applies with your body. When you like your body, it's easier to do the healthy things, it's easier to exercise for enjoyment, it's easier to prioritize going to sleep earlier and all those things, and this is why it really matters, plus the benefits to your relationship. Have I convinced you yet that this is a really important thing to do? I hope so, because let's talk about how you can help your partner like their body. So, dear partner, dear husband, dear boyfriend, you've happened to fall in for a person who isn't 100% in love with their body. Yet. That's cool.

Speaker 1: 6:55

It's not surprising considering that, literally every day, they have faced an enormous amount of pressure to have the perfect body. And when you think about it, the media portrays a painfully narrow ideal of beauty, and this can make it really hard for her or for them to feel beautiful, to feel worthy, and especially if your partner is a female, oh my goodness. We are raised to think that men's value is their power, their earning potential, and the flip side is, we believe a female's worth is based on how she looks, and I know it's tough on you too when she says things that she beats up on her body, and you don't know how to respond when she tells you that she feels fat or that she's having a blurred day. When you tell her she's beautiful, sometimes it feels like she's not listening or she dismisses you. The good news is that I think there are some key strategies that are really going to help here. Number one is to speak up when something's not okay.

Speaker 1: 7:49

So does her mom maybe feel the need to comment on her weight, or is there a friend who makes her feel insecure? Does she spend hours on social media only to get stuck in that? You know the old body shame game later? You are her closest and probably, hopefully, favorite person, so you might notice that the patterns she's stuck in she might notice them before she does, and if so, I think it's a really cool thing if you're able to speak up and let her know about the things that she might not be so aware of. So you might want to trace something like.

Speaker 1: 8:20

I've noticed that when you spend three hours on social media, you often end up feeling worse about yourself and your body. Have you noticed this too? Or I've noticed that whenever you see a mom, she makes comments about your weight, and it can be really tricky for you. How do you feel about this? This just opens up a dialogue where she sees that you are a safe person to have a conversation about this with, remembering we're not trying to solve the problem. We're not trying to say, well, you should use social media less or you shouldn't see your mom Not really a great solve, not most of the time. What I want you to do is rather respond to the emotion she's feeling.

Speaker 1: 8:56

So you might say, hey, that sounds really tough, I'd be really hard on you. And then you can offer a reminder saying you know, I think you are just fantastic, exactly the way you are, and I think you don't need to go. You're absolutely beautiful. You're a stunner. I mean you are, and I think you don't need to go. You're absolutely beautiful, you're a stunner. I mean you can. But I think it's also about moving beyond what she looks like and just saying you are more than acceptable, you are worthy and you are so loved exactly as you are. There's something very healing about hearing that.

Speaker 1: 9:26

Another one maybe you have thought about this, maybe you haven't. If you haven't, here you go. Please resist the urge to judge other people's bodies. So if you comment that her friend has lost weight or the TV presenter has, you know, let herself go. She will probably take notice. And not only will she take notice, she's listening so carefully to all these little things that you say about fellow women, to people you see on the TV. And when you speak ill about other people's body or speak about weight loss, whether or not they've gained weight or they've lost weight, you are reinforcing to her, to them, what society has already told her that your worth is based on your weight and your appearance. If you're saying, oh, my goodness, that person's lost so much weight they look great, she might be thinking to herself, oh, he thinks I should lose weight and I know you might go oh, that's a huge jump In her mind. I don't think it is a huge jump. You can't change society alone, and especially the way that she's been programmed her entire life. But you can change how you talk about others and I know it's so tempting. But please try, try, try your hardest to resist the urge to judge other people's bodies, including friends, families, celebrities, colleagues. It doesn't matter if you know them or you don't Hold the comment inside. Write it in your journal, tell your mates if you need to, when they are not in earshot. This simple strategy I promise you simple, simple, simple, so effective and can really be supportive.

Speaker 1: 10:47

Number three please try not to get angry with her or them when you are ready to leave and she or they are running around. They're running late and and struggling to get dressed and saying things like I have nothing to wear. But you know she, you know they've been getting dressed for forever what she's actually saying when she says I have nothing to wear. When she is running around and being very late, what she's really saying to you is I don't have anything, an outfit that makes me feel good or beautiful or comfortable enough. I'm feeling really insecure right now and that is why I'm running late. So I know the temptation is to kind of be like I'm going to get angry with you because you're always late and you always make me run late and whatever. But I think there's most likely a cause and that causes that she's hurting internally and she's not trying to make you late.

Speaker 1: 11:36

She feels unworthy and if you can acknowledge what's really going on, I think that's pretty powerful. You might want to come in with a statement being like I think you look fantastic and pay a compliment where a compliment is due, but mostly, I think, recognizing that it really has nothing to do with how she looks, even if you do give a compliment, but it's rather how she thinks she looks. She probably feels ashamed and getting angry with her. Well, it's not going to help. Number four is to, oh my goodness, have so much patience, because they are worth it, and they've probably been dieting and hating her body for years, and this isn't going to get fixed overnight because you told her she's beautiful once or twice or even a million times. The best thing you can do is be patient with her. So if she goes I don't feel beautiful. Don't discount her and say no, but you are beautiful, I've told you so many times. And if you're not going to listen to it, you're just fishing for compliments. No, she's not fishing for compliments. She truly is just saying those things because she doesn't feel secure yet.

Speaker 1: 12:33

So appreciate how hard it is to love your body in a society that tells you that the most impressive thing you can be as a woman is thin. In the process of loving your body, sadly, it takes time and it takes constant work. So please be kind and be gentle with her and even if she goes on this journey of learning to like herself more, I think in five years time she might reach a point where she flails a little bit, or maybe she has a really hard week, or it's the week before her period and she is going to hate on her body. I don't know what it is. No, I do not. I know exactly what it is. The change in progesterone and estrogen during that part of your cycle, that week before your period. It makes you go from what was previously a confident, sexy, kind of loving yourself human to someone who thinks that everything about you is flawed and wrong, and I know that's very hard to imagine how that might feel. Such a huge swing. But in those few days before a period, just having a little bit of extra compassion for what you might be going through, few days before a period, just having a little bit of extra compassion for what she might be going through.

Speaker 1: 13:33

And number five is to focus on health, not weight. This is a really important one. So it's tempting to say, oh, don't worry, you'll lose the weight. When your partner's been complaining that she feels guilty for overeating and missing the gym again. You know what you could say. The best thing you could do is bring the conversation back to how eating healthily and exercise makes her feel and not look. Let's say she says I ate so much and I haven't exercised this week, I feel gross, I feel fat, I have to do better. Tomorrow you might come in with something real, sweet and charming and fabulous and say you don't need to feel guilty. Not every week will go to plan, but I know you will feel so much happier and more energetic when you're eating healthily and exercise. Why don't we cook together and go for a walk tomorrow? Do you see the difference between that, how supportive that feels, how you are reaffirming that actually her weight is really not the pain point here, but the pain point is the fact that you know she will feel better when she's doing all these things, and supporting her to do that is fabulous.

Speaker 1: 14:31

A reminder for her, a reminder for you, for them is to aim for progress, not perfection. Remembering progress comes like waves and over time those waves just get larger and more frequent. The downs they don't dip as low. And her relationship with herself as it changes. You might notice that the lows that she gets when she doesn't like her body so much, they're not quite as long and the words she used to describe herself aren't quite as harsh, and that's when you're going to know that she's making progress. She's not suddenly going to go from hating her body to like being okay with it just because you paid her one nice compliment. You know that already, and remembering the waves will eventually become calm water. There's something to look forward to.

Speaker 1: 15:08

And, lastly, I want you to offer little reminders. If your partner's feeling down, then no amount of no, you're not fat, you're beautiful is going to turn that ship around. So please try that, but I don't think it does any harm either. I think it's good to remind her that she is beautiful, as it's easy for a girl or a person to forget. Even if it seems like she doesn't take it on board, she probably does absorb those words and files it away somewhere for safekeeping. Some body positive advocates will disagree with me here. Instead, they're going to recommend that you compliment her on things other than appearance, and I think you should do that too. I think you should go listen. How you look is the least interesting thing about you, because you have so many other skills and things that I love. Or I particularly think you are just the funniest person I've ever met. You are incredibly kind.

Speaker 1: 15:56

Find those non-appearance related compliments, but also, I think all people want to be told. Almost all people want to be told that they are beautiful, that someone else likes how they look, that they are appreciated. That's how I feel. Maybe you do think so, maybe you don't, and I think reminding her that she's beautiful reinforces that she doesn't need to be thin to be beautiful, because I think this is an idea we often have is that I'll I need to lose weight and then I'll be pretty, or then I'll be successful and then I'll be all these things. You can remind her that she can be pretty, she can be beautiful, she can be successful, she can be happy without losing weight, and that's a huge thing to come to realize.

Speaker 1: 16:36

If you're stuck for words and going, I don't know what to say. Help, I gotcha. Here's some ideas, so some lovely reminders might be. Losing weight is not your life's purpose. You are so much more than your weight. Accepting your body in a society that tells you not to is so hard and you're doing so great. I love you exactly as you are, whatever you weigh.

Speaker 1: 16:55

Now I will say I once had a husband. I once went on a date with a guy. I was kind of my heaviest weight and he earnestly stared at me just before we'd be making out and he looks at me and he said I just want you to know I don't care about your weight. And I know he meant the best by saying that, but all I could think was, oh my goodness, he thinks I'm huge and he's loving me in spite of the fact. So be really mindful about the wording. And if you're going I don't know how to talk about weight then just don't talk about weight, rather, just leave it and don't say those words Okay, so I love you exactly as you are is actually probably a bit of a simpler way to say that and not get in tricky water. You're enough just as you are. And if she's saying I absolutely need to lose weight, you might want to say you don't need to lose weight to be beautiful. You already are. Gee.

Speaker 1: 17:47

I hope you found this episode helpful and maybe giving you some practical ideas on what you can do to help support your partner. Getting involved with them, I think, is really good. So role modeling those healthy habits with them, talking nicely about your own body and other people's bodies around you I think that is incredibly useful and doing whatever you can to support them on their journey. For example, let's say you're into something like bodybuilding and you like to count macros or calories or whatever, but she's going listen, I really want to work on my relationship with food and that doesn't serve me. That means that you are going to try and never talk about macros or weight gain or weight loss or fat loss or any of the things that might be triggering to her.

Speaker 1: 18:29

If she's going through a different phase of her relationship with food than you, so just appreciating that, it's okay for her to want something else, and the way she was raised to think about her body and food is probably different to how you were raised. So she may be more sensitive than you are and that's perfectly okay. And if you are looking to recommend an app for her, for you, that you do together that doesn't include any diet culture but is all about being healthy, then you might want to try Back to Basics. It is a really simple app to help you meal prep ahead of a busy week or plan out what you guys are going to eat, so that being healthier is something you can do together. Thanks for listening to today's episode and I'll see you next week.